the Andrew Bailey

Insanity: BitCoin

Early Wednesday morning, the US Dollar dropped below 0.001 BitCoin, causing epic economic upheaval in the hours leading up to Black Friday.

"We knew that the US government had fiscal and political issues," said one associate at Poor Standards, "But we never imagined that inflation this bad would happen. A year ago, 1 USD bought 0.1 BTC, but inflation is out of control, growing by not one, but two magnitudes!"

In opening trades, stocks fell to unprecedented levels not seen in 3 hours. "Sell it all! Sell it all!" yelled one trader into his phone as he headed out onto the NYSE trading floor. Banks and investors are concerned over whether or not Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke will adjust interest rates or not next Tuesday. Even if it goes up, down, sideways, or stays the same, the economic forecast is down.

Retail industry consultants immediately downgraded expectations for Black Friday sales. "I just looked at the numbers," said one analyst at Smith & Thimbletrimmer, "Everyone's expecting Black Friday fatalities to be down, some by as much as 57%. While we do expect to see fewer trampling deaths this year than we've seen in the past nine quarters, we expect the retail atmosphere this weekend to be generally dead. Excuse me, I have to get this." After being let off hold, she said, "That was one of our clients, a funeral home. He doesn't know if he will stay in business until New Year's."

A Connecticut woman said that she barely had enough money to pay carbon credits to cover her family's breathing. "I'm expected to buy four PS4s for Christmas! I don't know of where to find that many, let alone the money to pay for them. Although no one expects me to buy anything every Christmas, I want to keep my kids happy, even when there's no hope of making financial ends or waistlines meet."

Meanwhile, Pittsburghers tempered their expectations about being able to stock their fridges for the holidays. "It's two days before Thanksgiving, and I can't believe this clubhouse already has no ketchup!" said Andrew Bailey, a local blogger. When asked wherefore, "Someone brought chicken!" He later added, "I'm not concerned over people losing jobs over this, since no one has jobs these days. Nothing is made here anymore. Did you know they even outsourced all of our chopstick manufacturing to China? Those bastards!"

News from overseas paints a brighter picture. English pundits continued to make bad puns amid rising oil prices. Recent rumors say foreign investors are looking to dump their Dollars for Yen. This will pump more money into the American economy, further driving down the cost of a Dollar and bringing recovery. Analysts say this will take decades, but it is expected to arrive in time for a Merry Christmas.

Posted under Literature.

You can't complain about this anymore. It's perfect!